Rants, Raves & Restless Thoughts

Second Wind (Winding down the journey of life)

Christmas, Birthdays or any other special occasion loses its meaning when observed in solitude or when celebrated far away from one’s family & friends. One realizes that certain occasions which he considers momentous are in fact just the same as any other regular day. I cringe at the thought of how difficult it must have been for overseas contract workers of yore, when communications and technology were not as developed and as readily accessible as they are now, when mail travelled at a snails pace and the robotic transcript of telegrams conveyed the most urgent of messages, how depressing it must have been for them back then. I utter a silent prayer of thanksgiving for the blessing of high technology and continue to google some relevant information.

According to statistics for 2005-06 and Encarta 2005 the life expectancy of males in the Philippines is 67 years old, which puts me a year and a half way past middle age when I add another notch in my ring of life. It’s seems so surreal how time has flown by so fast. Sometimes it’s just hard to grasp that three and a half decades have passed by, seemingly in just a blink of an eye, some my memories from my youth and young adulthood are still fresh, as if it just happened yesterday. A few strands of grey in my hair evidently indicate that half a lifetime has indeed come and gone, inspiring me to look back and take stock of my existence.

Up until the time I came to Doha, my life was one hell of a roller coaster ride. I have been a rebel with a twisted cause, a disillusioned dreamer, a renewed catholic, a self-rehabilitated junkie, a repentant son, a good friend, a less than ideal hubby and a loving dad amongst many other things. In my search for lasting friendships, I mingled with a variety of people from different walks of life; I’ve socialized with friends fed with a silver spoon, hung out with peers from the working class, fraternized with comrades from the masses, exchanged ideas with nerds, discussed philosophy with the disenchanted, preached with the religious and conspired with shady characters. Through my interactions with an assortment of individuals, I have discovered that not all that glitters is gold and not everything in the mud is unclean. I have witnessed that a person’s occupation does not define his character nor does the prestige of one’s job make him more respectable or nobler than the next guy. In effect this has taught me to be more flexible and less judgemental when dealing with people.

It has been an eye opening experience to see life at both ends of the fence, I frolicked where the grass seems greener and endured in the side where there was eternal drought. I have traversed many sides on the track of life and have seen facets which only a few have a chance to glimpse upon, as a result it has broadened my perception of life in general and has trained me to always keep an open mind.

In my excursion of three and a half decades, I have crossed diverse paths; a few were straight, paved and unobstructed while most were crooked, potholed, strewn with scores of obstructions and lead to a lot of forks in the road. I have been blessed to come this far with only a few scars to show for the challenges I confronted and the obstacles I overcame. It dawned on me only after being estranged from my loved ones, that I was the one who dug the holes I fought hard to crawl out of in the first place and that there lies a fine line between reality and the truth.

The first half of my life has been an arduous and demanding journey towards enlightenment and self-realization. Though I don’t have much to show in terms of financial assets nor do I own any material possessions of consequence, I still feel wealthy for I believe that my riches lie in all the precious lessons I’ve learned, my prosperity is in the lasting relationships I built with my friends and my most important treasure is the unbreakable bond of love with my family.

As I draw my second wind and embark to carry on the second half of my life story; I give thanks to my friends / surrogate family here in Doha for their camaraderie and unending kindness which makes my stay here easier to bear; I extend my warmest gratitude to all my friends (in real and virtual life) who have accompanied me in spirit or online during the dullest and oftentimes depressing of moments and for the unexpected messages which makes me feel closer to home somehow; I affirm my deepest admiration to my parents who have never lost their faith in me and for their limitless patience and love which motivates me to become a good parent and provider for my kids; I express my heartfelt love and appreciation to eya, josh, jecho and the rest of my family for their immeasurable love and unrelenting support which inspires me to strive to become a better person.; I proclaim my sincere gratefulness to the lord almighty who has always lead me to the right path, despite the many times I have strayed.

I load the backpack of my mind with the priceless lessons I’ve learned to be prepared for the challenges that lie ahead. I fill the canteen of my heart with the inspiration from my friends and family to quench my thirst when I face the most desolate of trying times. I wear the shades of the lord’s wisdom and equip the flashlight of his guidance to help me find the right path if I once again get lost along the way, for tomorrow begins another journey which duration and destination is unknown. No matter what the end may be, it would be the journey which would matter in the end.

p.s.
an inspiring entry i came across http://marieldomingo.multiply.com/journal/item/92
posted with permission

Enough

A time comes in your life when you finally
get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you
stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside
your head cries out - ENOUGH!
This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting
for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security
to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms
with the fact that in the real world there aren't always
fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and
that any guarantee of "happily ever after"
must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity
is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that
not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of
who or what you are and it’s OK. (They are entitled to their
own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of
loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense
of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop blaming other people for the things they did to
you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only
thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn
that not everyone will always be there for you, and that
it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on
your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a
sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to
accept people as they are and to over look their shortcomings
and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and
contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the
world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions
that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin
to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how
you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn't
weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what
you should drive, how and where you should live, what you
should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you
should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the
importance of having and raising children, or what you
owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of
view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you
are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference
between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the
doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never
have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn
to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between
guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting
boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only
cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs
get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love.
How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving,
and when to walk away. You learn that you will not be more
beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important
because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears
your name.

You learn to look at relationships as they really are and
not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control
people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just
as people grow and change, so it is with love. You learn that
you don't have the right to demand love on your terms.
Just to make you happy. And, you learn that 'alone'
does not mean lonely.

And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact
that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop
trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing
over how you "stack up." You also stop working
so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over,
and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly o.k.
. . and that it is your right to want things that you want.
And that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You
come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with
love, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and you will not
settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who
cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch. And
in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin
eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking
more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes
the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more
time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter
fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you
believe you deserve. And that much of life is a self-fulfilling
prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth
working for, and that wishing for something to happen is
different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success,
you need direction, discipline, and perseverance. You
also learn that no one can do it all alone and its OK to risk
asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly
fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself.
You learn to step right into and through your fears, because
you know that whatever happens, you can handle it, and to
give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your
terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living
under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't
always fair, you don't always get what you think you
deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting,
good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize
things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing
to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state -
the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and
resentment must be understood and redirected, or they
will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe
that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong
and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful
and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for
granted, things that millions of people upon the earth
can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running
water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin
to take responsibility for yourself, by yourself, and
you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself
and to never ever settle for less than your heart's
desire.

And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen
to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep
trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your
side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin
to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

No Retreat No Surrender (OFW Chronicles book 2)

It feels like an eternity since I last posted an entry, a plethora of ideas swarm my head as I try to figure out what topic to compose. I type them down and end up with an abundance of unfinished introductions. I find it hard to keep my thoughts together, my muse is depression and lately I haven’t been down in the dumps. A few days ago, someone commented that most of my entries are somewhat depressing and somehow reflects that working away from home is eating me up. I review my compositions and couldn’t help but agree that the assessment was fairly accurate, I do recall writing a handful of these entries at certain moments when I was feeling quite melancholic, utterly homesick and bored to death. Depression was an ailment I had to contend with and putting my thoughts in writing was the just what the doctor ordered.

In retrospect I see it as a stage of transition similar to the feeling of a student moving to a new school, leaving everything and everyone familiar behind and readjusting to a new environment and different people. It has been very challenging to start anew in unfamiliar surroundings with foreign traditions. Acclimatizing to the local weather conditions was among the first of many daunting tasks I had to face, the extreme heat of summer and sudden change to the cold nights of ‘winter’ left me sick for almost a week during my first encounter with the change of the seasons. With no one to rely on for care, I had to force myself to drink medication on time and eat even if I had no appetite. It was a rude awakening to self sufficiency.

Working in an interracial environment for the first time was another challenge I had to wrestle with, dealing with Cypriot, British, Indian and Arabic co-workers and clients with their diverse customs and oftentimes strange diction, proved to be interesting and at certain times burdensome. I had to be sharp when listening to my Scottish boss’ instructions as his accent was tricky to decipher and at the same time I had to learn the local ‘carabao’ English jargon as most Indian subordinates, Cypriot foremen as well as Arabs couldn’t comprehend direction delivered with proper English grammar.

Assimilating the job however was almost an effortless adjustment, as the job here compared to work back home is quite unalike in terms of workload. Work here is limited to what is cited in one’s job description whereas back home, one needs to be a multi-tasking master to be competitive in his career. In a sense we are paid better for lesser work in contrast to jobs back home where we are paid less for more work. I feel privileged to be given an opportunity to work in an international environment, it has been an enlightening experience to be acquainted with global standards and exposure to high tech construction methods has been fascinating.

The greatest challenge I had to overcome has been (and at times still is) boredom and homesickness. The longing for home brought about by boredom causes serious depression streaks. Filling the void which used to be dedicated to either family or friends has been an arduous undertaking. Oftentimes, the idle time after work leaves the impression that the night seems longer than the day. Thankfully my previous vacation supplied me with ample inspiration to last another year away from home.

So as I began my second year as an overseas contract worker, I felt the need to subdue the beast that is boredom and I have found the perfect weapon, the sword of acceptance. I have finally accepted that working away from home is part of my fate and would probably last longer than I have initially planned. Thus instead of wallowing in despair, I have sought out ways to resolve my predicament. We applied for a broadband internet connection not so long ago and it has been very beneficial in the battle against boredom. Surfing the net and downloading ‘stuff’ has been an effective way to while away the time, not to mention a powerful tool for keeping in touch with family and friends. It has been very advantageous to be able to exchange real time instant messages and e-mails with family, relatives and long lost friends, it substantially helps curb the longing for home. Aside from net surfing, I have started going to the gym recently, keeping fit while killing the time is like hitting two birds with one stone. In addition, I have been very fortunate to be blessed with a wonderful circle of supportive friends whom I treat as my surrogate family here in Qatar. Our Thursday gatherings and impromptu coffee sessions give us not only the much needed break from the monotony of our daily routine but also an opportunity to build camaraderie.

It has been a long and painstaking journey towards the acceptance of my life as an overseas contract worker, but it is inevitable. It is a choice I have made and have to live with. Over time I have come to appreciate the advantages of working abroad and realized that the series of events which lead me here is part of a grand design which will eventually reveal itself. I pin my hopes on the fact that everything is fleeting, even working away from my loved ones. I set my sights on the future, when I have met the needs of those who rely on me and accomplished the goals I have set, when all that is left is to reap the rewards of my sacrifice. Until that time comes, I shall at all times don my helmet with honor, bear my armor with courage, sword and shield always at hand battle ready to strike down any challenge that come my way.

T.G.I.T.

The first week of March is over, it’s as if seven days just elapsed in an instant. Looking back, the past six weeks since I returned have been a blur. When one is preoccupied at work, time seems to be flying even faster than usual. The hours tick like seconds and the days and weeks slip by in a blink of an eye. However there are certain moments when life here gets excruciatingly boring, usually that feeling creeps in at the end of each working day. 

Returning to the company provided accommodation is quite unlike going to your own home after a hard day’s work. The Filipino staff in our company number more than 30 but interaction is at a minimum. At the villa, we usually meet only at mealtimes or when there are general meetings for the mess hall or some organized event. Every once in a blue moon there’s a birthday of an officemate to celebrate. Other than that we just keep to ourselves in our cold unsympathetic rooms. Although some of my workmates have become my friends, the warmth and love of being at home with the family is incomparable.

In the absence of familial relations, we resort to different means to distract ourselves from chronic boredom and loneliness. On regular days the net grants us temporary reprieve from the uneventful evenings. Seeking out old friends through friendster, posting in interesting forums, downloading the latest movies, TV show episodes, manga and utilities along with the occasional chat with family and friends helps to kill idle time. In the fortunate event that we get a hold of DVD’s, we hold DVD marathons and engross ourselves in the film to lose track of the time. Indulging in PC Games has also been an entertaining diversion. In due course all these activities still prove to be but temporary distractions to fill in for the lack of kindred interaction, thus I thank the lord for the first week of the month, coffee and Thursdays.

The months’ first week means we still have some money left over after sending the bulk of it home. We get a chance for bosing fredo to spoil us with his generous dinner treats or for spur of the moment coffee conferences with friends and while away the night with discussion of wacky subjects and hot seat sessions.

Thursday is the only day we break away from our daily routine and have get-togethers with friends. Sometimes we play network games but often we dine, drink and share ideas. A chance to savor mama gretch’s savory concoction of a meal is a tummy-filling respite from the bland taste of our mess hall food. The wonderful opportunity for lively and uninhibited conversations with our handsome, pretty, witty and wacky friends from QA and Maison under the influence of St. Michael or some other foreign beverage (which papa pomski likes to try) surely beats the hell out of the monotony of staring at the laptop. Discussions which range from the mundane to the solemn and sentimental is a welcome relief to the technical conversations often held at the office, not to mention a great opportunity to learn from diverse views and a source of support from friends who share the same plight.

There are some who misconstrue that Thursday is just another excuse for rowdy drinking sessions. They do not see beyond the facade, the warm bonds of friendship being nurtured or the kinship being forged which gives us even for a brief moment a sense of belonging. This break from the routine which comes but once a week inspires us to soldier on in our jobs, for in the camaraderie of friends we feel we are still alive and not just flesh covered robots following the program hardwired into its circuits.

Thank God for friends and Thank God it’s Thursday!

Click (another senti trip)

The sand filled rain during the first few days of February brings back memories of the rainy New Year I celebrated back home. I feel nostalgic and at the same time awed at how time flew by so quickly, my leave seemed to be over so soon and now I'm back at work. It reminds me of a film I saw recently, Click, though it was a comedy, the message of its plot can not be taken lightly.

It tells the story of an architect who, in pursuit of success, took for granted the more important aspects of his life without even knowing it. He reached the pinnacle of success but not without a price, time slipped by him so fast and through the years he lost his wife, became strangers with his kids and parents then he ultimately lost his father without even saying how much he had loved him. Only then did he realize his blunder, right at the moment when his own life was just about to end. Fortunately for him, there was a twist in his life story, just like in many movies, it turned out that everything that happened was just a dream and he still had time to change the path he would take.

The lead characters’ story was the kind of life I had sworn not to live, a life focused on financial & material gain but at the price of mass breakdown of all emotional ties with one’s family, an unfair bargain in my point of view. Though I find nothing wrong in investing in a financially secure future, I believe investing in emotions specially with loved ones, is just as important. What good is a nice comfortable house when a person lives alone? What purpose does one’s material wealth serve, when he has no one to share it?  Every material thing or personal accolade a man accumulates won’t matter at the end of the day, for no matter how much he tries, he can not take them beyond the grave.

As I reflect on my own existence, i fear I might tread on the same path as the films’ protagonist, if I'm not wary of how time flies. It is quite easy to get lost in our daily routine; work ten hours a day, twenty six days a month, send money home, repeat for eleven months then take a leave for two months. I’m already into my second year but it seems just like yesterday when I first left home. I have missed almost two years from my kids’ lives, two years worth of laughter, warm hugs and memories we could have made, two years I cannot take back no matter how much I pay or pray.

Time does seem to be always on fast forward, very much similar to the film, Click. And just like in the movie, it often takes a tragic event or extreme heartache to awaken a person to the real meaning of his existence. My own wake up call came roughly three years ago, fortunately for me it didn’t take a dreadful incident but just heartbreaking circumstances to jolt me back to my senses.

One of the essential lessons I learned then, was that change is the only constant thing in this world; friends come & go, love sometimes fades, wounds heal, pain goes away in time, money doesn’t last, children grow up, we grow old and in the end everyone will bite the dust. Accepting the truth that life is fleeting has profoundly affected my outlook in life, though learning that lesson entailed a lot of pain, I am grateful I have realized it sooner (though not soon enough) rather than later.

In real life unlike reel life, we are not afforded a twist in our life story which would allow us to go back in time and change our mistakes or given precognitive dreams of how our life would turn out to be. Just like everyone else we charge blindly into the future, we can only hope that we make the right choices along the way and have the strength to face the consequences of the decisions we made.

p.s. a gem I plucked from the net

WHAT WILL MATTER

by: Michael Josephson

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won't matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built;
not what you got, but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.


What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew,
but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories,
but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.
It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

Return to Reality

It’s been barely a week since I’ve returned from my temporary reprieve (my vacation leave), once again I’m back in incarceration (at my job). Unlike others who battle with jet lag right after they arrive, I clash with a more formidable foe, homesickness. My thoughts are consumed by the memories of the wonderful time I had spent with my family and friends, following me even in my sleep as I dream.

Thus, I often browse the loads of photos which I have amassed during my brief stay, to fight the heavy feeling of yearning for home. I scan through recently taken digital pics and some old scanned photos, I come across some picture perfect Kodak moments: candid shots of our family gatherings, forgotten photos of our youth, the warm and endearing smile of my children, wacky poses of my nephews and kids as well as the memorable excursions with family and friends, all captured and immortalized through the camera’s lens. As I sentimentally recollect about these blissful times, I also recall equally unforgettable instances which weren’t included in the pictures: the days spent just at home bonding with the family and playing with the kids, the petty instances of personal differences, the trying times of financial distress, a handful of exciting escapades and the impromptu get-togethers with friends that were imprinted only in my unreliable memory.

These numerous unforgettable occasions which fill my heart with joy, longing and inspiration often make me wish I had the ability to control time, so that I can make time stop and I could linger a little longer on those perfect moments even for just awhile. The reality that my vacation was temporary made every single second special, be it a momentous occasion or just a regular everyday event. Living in close proximity with your loved ones, even for just a brief moment, feels heavenly especially when you work a million miles away. It is at times quite depressing to think that some people take for granted their good fortune, being close to their family and friends and not having to suffer the melancholy of being detached.

As I see it, the cliché that familiarity breeds contempt does hold a lot of weight. Oftentimes people overlook the true value of what they have specially when it becomes a part of their daily routine. A handful of friends asked for advice on how to prepare for working abroad, for they had plans of seeking greener pastures away from home. I told them to treasure every moment they spend at home, to cherish not only the blissful times but also the trying times. The petty quarrels with their partner, their kid’s irritating incessant desire for attention, their parents’ unsolicited advice; all these are but trivial events which they will miss once they are detached from their family.

Living away from home, continents away from one’s comfort zone can open a person’s eyes to the larger scheme of things. Ironically, the distance has made me closer to my family and I have learned to appreciate them more. So instead of feeling gloomy, I feel grateful for the chance to have seen my loved ones once again. The memories we made fuel my drive to work harder so I may settle down sooner in the place I call home. For now, I shall continue to find inspiration in my memories and my digital photo albums, for despite the vast bodies of water that separate us and the wide area of land that keep us apart, I feel the warmth of their love deep in my heart.

p.s.

it's time to thank the following sponsors! (hehe showbiz)

dad & ma: thanks for your never ending generosity, love and support! god bless you always! i love you very much

my angels eya, josh and jecho:  i love you very much! study hard! a year will pass faster than you think and we shall be together again!

achie: sis thanks for looking after the kids and for our bonding! your d best aunt in the whole world! ingat cla sau sa states hehe lab u sis!

polibab & tita kath +  kids: i appreciate your hospitality and patience. gaelle, gianno, gilian + guidz: your the best couzins in the world for EJJ! i love you all!!!

cho paeng & mama zen + family: thanks for the great bonding and love! i lab u 2 cho paeng hehehe! jhana: sumbong ka ni jeco pag my kiss pa sau hehe check on them once in awhile ha!

ry: thanks sa hdd tol!sabay tayo ulit next year!

tess : thanks for your understanding + hospitality!TC always!

darling: tnx + ayo2 sa pag bantay sa bata ha! ayaw kasab-i! hehe ayaw sa pag uyab2!

carldemz + family: good luck on your plans tol!

dickdemz + family: more power sa career and biz mo tol!

tito ces: i'm eternally grateful for your generosity! GBU

bosing noel + ate jane: nice to see u again!bosing tnx sa lam mo na.

odi: blue post tau uli pag uwi ko hehehe

kuya joey and ate joy: thanks for hosting a wonderful sfc reunion! you guys rock!

brod jojo: thanks for picking me up bro and for the great despidida hehehe pakisabi  kay marjon bawi ako pag uwi ko hehe

norlan: ayo2 brod! thanks sa lingaw na bonding! hope all goes well with your plans!

brod danny: thanks for the bonding and stimulating conversations brod!

toto: nice seeing you again after 15 years! next year uli to! goodluck sa byahe!

ching: thanks for being great!!!

jr: next year hk disney na man!

Juls: thanks for keeping in touch! God bless u and ur family!

ej: ty! ty! ty!sa uulitin!

vb: tnx 4 keeping ur promise! TC

el: tnx 4 bein nice + praning! TC

mto: ei tnx for d bonding khit bitin! tc teach! hehe

nabs: papayat na choi! goodluck sa pag assemble!

teban: god bless ur plans brod!

buboy: i owe u one!

doodz: hmmm....ingat brad!

Obiwant: u owe me one! tnx padawan!

chey: thanks for accompanying me b4 i went home. hoping d best 4 ur family

lani: thanks for keepin in touch!

len: nice to meet u and shamrock too hehehe

MNMC + SJ + family: my deepest Apologies. i owe u big time.

sfc bros + sis: thanks for a great time! god bless u all!

vely and berns: thanks for the airport assistance. you are angels! 

to everyone else : thanks for the memories!!! see you again in 363 days!!!

Faith, Fanatics and the Future

There was a time during my freshman year at the state university, which I can still memorably recall. I was riding the bus heading to los baños, when the cute and sexy girl sitting beside me strikes up a conversation. After a short introduction and small talk, she inquires if she can ask a personal question. I nod in reply and mischievously await the personal question she would ask, while conceiving of some naughty personal questions I’d like to ask her in return. “Are you saved?” she innocently inquires, politely I ask her to explain what she means. In the back of my head, Pffftttt!!!…goes my naïve fantasy, dissipating into thin air. My excitement turns into sheer disgust; a person I barely know admonishes me about the perils of not having a personal relationship with  Jhey-Zus. Had she not been a cutie / hottie, I would’ve rudely told her off or contested every word she said but being a gentleman(iac), I obliged her instead . She continued to rant the rest of the trip and I uttered a silent prayer that there be no traffic, so I can reach my destination quickly and escape the clutches of the cute raving Jhey-Zus fanatic. It had been quite a memorable encounter with a religious nut, not the first but neither the last.

 

It’s quite amusing to observe what our religion / faith drives us to do. To approach a total stranger and ask if his soul has been redeemed takes either a lot of guts or blind obedience to one’s beliefs. Faith can have a very positive effect on a person; it can lift his spirits when he is in the pits, it can provide hope to those who have none and it can heal emotional wounds conventional medicines cannot mend. On the other hand misplaced faith can have disastrous effects as well; people have banded and unleashed terror in the name of their religion, people have been persecuted and massacred in the name of cleansing their faith. As a result some people out of outrage have denounced religion altogether. With the scandals involving religious leaders, the division and conflict of the people due to widespread misinformation plus the mudslinging of various religious denominations, can we blame these people for turning their back on religion altogether?

 

All major religions have almost the same doctrine and preach the same creed, albeit with different forms of delivery, the basic message remains the same; Love your god, love / respect your neighbor, be kind, be generous, have faith in your god, don’t lie, don’t steal, among several other commandments which are often commonly proclaimed. Some denominations even have similar deities, though having different names and status in the hierarchy but basically performing the same function. It makes me wonder why countries have gone to war in the name of faith and why people have been and are continuously oppressed, persecuted and executed due to their religious conviction. Why can’t we all peacefully co-exist and respect each others beliefs just as our religion enjoins us to do?

 

As I see it, religion in itself is not the root of the conflict but the people behind it. Two individuals may interpret the same message in a different way, how much more a whole populace? History shows us the command to ‘spread the word of God’ has been exploited by many a leader with grandiose ambitions of world domination. Though spreading God’s word can be done without the use of force, these charismatic leaders of men influenced the citizenry to join their cause, leading vast armies to conquer ‘pagan’ nations. Eventually leading to massive bloodshed, subjugation and forced conversion of the subdued population, in effect spreading the wrong message of the lord. Whilst the message to be preached is  ‘love one another unconditionally’, the message that is conveyed is ‘love your neighbor / enemy only if he shares the same faith, otherwise conquer and convert these neighbors / enemies so you can love (and enslave) them’.

 

Even at this present day and age, a handful or persons manipulate their religion to bend the will of their followers. Invoking the name of their deity and calling for a holy war to justify terrorism and genocide. Surprisingly, there are still numerous persons who blindly follow the unholy exhortations of their religious leaders, as if they had no other choice and it was their divine duty. It is ironic that a message of love and peace can bring about so much chaos and carnage when abused by ruthless power-mongers. To add insult to injury, these people feel no remorse but instead feel divinely righteous for accomplishing the will of their lord.

 

These people are comparable to some spiritual leaders from different denominations who fail to practice what they preach but instead manipulate the power of their position to enrich themselves or lure oblivious victims to sate their lusts. They exploit their supporters trust, leading them to self-serving undertakings instead of more godly pursuits. These are the same individuals who are quick to pass judgement on other persons, without batting an eyelash they hastily condemn the non-believer, the non-practicing devotee, the immoral and unrighteous, blind to their own reflection in the mirror. Though not all religious icons and lay leaders are as heretical, these religious impostors inadvertently drag the religion they represent with them as they fall from grace.

 

The misinterpretation and misrepresentation of the divine message is sacrilegious and devastatingly tragic when manipulated by ambitious people. It is inevitable though, for religious leaders are just human, imperfect beings bombarded daily by temptations, some with less strength of character can’t help but yield to it. However, the disdainful deeds of a handful of persons should not discourage us from keeping the faith (in our religion) nor prompt us to convert to other denominations.

 

Shifting religious affiliation won’t resolve the issue and neither would turning into an atheist improve the situation. The problem should be faced head on in order to find a rational and tangible solution. Clichéd as it may sound but change does come from within. However skeptical we are on influencing the multitude, we should at least try to implement reform within us and in our own families, so that someday the seed of change we plant today might bear fruit for our future generations. For unless we broaden our way of thinking and truly ingest the heart of the divine message, we shall remain as blind as some of our leaders who are also groping in the dark and eventually end up like any other fanatic, following blindly false beliefs. Someday it might be our children who would pose the question to an unsuspecting stranger, similar to the hot religious nut I met in college. I can almost hear the future go….. Pffftttt!!!

 

The Sands of Time

On occasions when homesickness gets the best of me, I usually browse digital photos of my loved ones to ease my yearning. It makes me grateful for the technology of photography, I find it amazing that cherished moments in time can be frozen through the lens of a camera. As I peruse my children’s photographs, I can’t help but feel a sense of nostalgia. They have grown a lot in such a short span of time, they now have crushes and opinions of their own, yet it seems just like yesterday when they were still mumbling gibberish and feebly struggling to take their first few steps. Seeing them grow up so fast somehow inspires me to have a trip down memory lane and recollect about my own lost youth.

 
It really doesn’t feel like a lifetime has passed when I too was once but a child, when Christmas and summer time had magical meaning and my needs and desires were much simpler and uncomplicated, craving only for toys and playtime while worrying only about homework and chores. Work, politics, religion, sex, girls and relationships were not yet in my vocabulary while fantasies of either being a ninja, a Jedi knight, a WWF wrestler, a samurai warrior or superman consumed and inspired my dreams. It is as if it all just happened recently, I can still even recall most of my friends’ names in grade school, although I probably wouldn’t be able to recognize some of them. If there was something that I’m quite particularly fond of recalling during this early stage of my life, it’s that I had once made my parents proud, by being consistently among the top of my class back then.

 
Unfortunately it didn’t last long, as I failed to replicate the feat in high school, since angst and other complications of adolescence set in. I remember being determined not to be labeled a nerd, thus the average performance in my studies. However I did excel in ‘extra-curricular’ endeavors, like bowling, billiards and barkada aside from learning to drink and smoke among other “activities”. It was also during this point in time that I had met some lifetime friends with whom I shared countless mischievous misadventures.

 
College life was a fun filled and outrageous roller-coaster ride emotionally and academically, which at times I look back upon with awe and regret. Starting out at the state U was a blast. I was initiated to independence, living away from my family for the first time in my life. Like a wild animal that had been set free, I spent most of the time partying, which eventually lead to my premature exile from my beloved school and early return home. Everything went downhill from there as my rebellious spirit reached its peak and I unknowingly allowed my hatred to consume my whole being. Thankfully I came to my senses just in time and pursued the course which I believe was destined for me, but had tried desperately to avoid due to misplaced anger and pride.

 
As I continue to muse over my early life, I smile as I come across some happy memories whilst I feel a tinge of sadness and regret on other depressing recollections and missed opportunities. On the other hand, I am alarmed at how fast time has seemed to speed by. Reminiscent of a stray bullet which whizzes by, catching an unknowing bystander unaware, he only feels the excruciating pain as the hard hot steel pierces his soft supple skin. It seems as if in just a blink of an eye, we have lost our innocence and our youth. Sooner than we know it, we’ll be facing middle age challenges. Only then will we look in hindsight and ask our self where the time has gone, and fruitlessly try to pick our brains, rummaging through the archives of our memory for the time lost to oblivion.

 
I’ve come to realize that time is a precious commodity we often take for granted, believing we always have time in our hands and tomorrow is still far-away. Often we find ourselves tied up at work, business or in pursuit of some other undertaking that we believe would give us self-fulfillment, we barely notice that time has flown past us. Not until we see streaks of gray that naturally highlight our hair or when our child knocks us back to our senses by answering us rudely, signifying that the cycle of life will soon come full circle and we shall soon find our self in the bottom of its loop. Even so, some still fail to grasp that we are in a countdown, every second ticking like a bomb ready to explode and with every instant that passes, our time and those of our loved ones slowly trickle away like the sand in an hourglass. It is imperative that we should regularly assess if we are investing the limited time we have in truly worthwhile endeavors, hence when our time finally runs out we would have no regrets.

 
Sometimes it’s distressing and dreadful to acknowledge that we are on a one-way time machine which is always moving forward and never backward, we can never take back things we did nor go back on hasty decisions we made. However, we have no choice but to accept the fact that life is too short. To dwell on depression, discontent and regret would be a waste of our precious borrowed time. Instead we should forgive ourselves and those who hurt us in the past, count our blessings and make the most of what we have. We should never lose hope, for as long as we still breathe, we have the opportunity to make up for our misdeeds, rectify certain wrongdoings and shape our future to how we desire it to be.

CountDown to BLasT Off!!

I’m coming home I’ve done my time…so goes the lyrics of a sentimental old song, I smile as I hum to its tune, for I empathize with the vocalist’s words and feel the longing, anticipation and uncertainty he expresses. Like the singer, I too am on my way home after over a year and a couple of months of detainment (at my job) here in Qatar. Alas, I will get to be in the loving company of my family and friends once again! (Yahoooooiieee!) I find it difficult to contain my excitement  as I look forward to the days I will be spending back home (even if it’s still a few months away) and simultaneously try hard to block out the thoughts which remind me that my freedom will be short-termed and short-lived.

As I fantasize about the things I’ll be doing and the people I’ll be seeing, I look back to the year that was and observe that a migrant workers’ lifestyle is somewhat comparable with that of inmates (or at least that’s how I feel). Since we too are incarcerated, not by jail cells but by the thousand miles of ocean that separates us from our homeland and by our contracts which keep us from going home. We are similar to jailbirds crying for liberation, though we desire not just to be free but to be home, close to the ones we love.  Resembling convicts, we cross out the number of days that have passed ‘til we reach the eagerly anticipated moment of freedom, either the end of our contract or on the day we go for our vacation leave. Fortunately unlike prisoners, we are well-compensated for our services, we have the liberty to go wherever we wish (as long as it’s in Qatar), and we have our annual reprieve in the form of a vacation leave (plus there is no tattoo riddled thug asking us to bend over to pick up the soap). Thank God for small blessings!

I push aside my sentimental observations and revert to daydreaming, visualizing myself doing things I neglected to do and visiting people I had taken for granted. I notice that there are a lot of things I miss, others quite trivial and some extremely noteworthy, I can’t imagine how I could fit doing it all in a span of two months. It sometimes seem that we are part of a cosmic joke, pining for the things we would’ve liked to do only when we don’t have the opportunity to carry them out, longing to set out to places we never even visited when it was just a stone’s throw away, yearning for the persons we care about most only when we can’t be with them and then being given the opportunity to make up for all these, in such a short time span. It feels tragically amusing to be in such a quandary.

In retrospect, I assess why I have arrived at such a dilemma. It dawns on me, I was either too preoccupied in pursuit of my endeavors or was just too caught up in self indignation then, to notice I was neglecting countless persons and overlooked several chances to do the things which I now miss. I have come to realize that we have to occasionally take a step back and view our lives in a different perspective in order to completely appreciate its true splendor; otherwise we remain stuck in the unending cycle of taking for granted seemingly inconsequential things. I feel fortunate it didn’t have to take a catastrophic event for me to arrive at such an insight and look forward to setting things straight come vacation time.

However my excitement comes with a tad of ambivalence, after hearing the tales of my compatriots who have returned from their trip home. After recounting cheerful stories of reunion and recreation, some have said that much is expected (financially) from pinoy foreign workers. Some have shared that they had to spend a great deal to impress their whole clan, lest be labeled a scrooge whilst others ruefully stated that their friends disappeared as soon as the free drinks ran out. Even some well compensated friends relate that going home is quite expensive and often they return cash strapped. This bodes ill for first timers like me who have yet to amass a lot of cash for a big fat savings account.

I Break free from the clutches of worry and set aside my unfounded fears, confident that my company weighs much more than its weight in gold (at least to my family and genuine friends) and contemplate more on how to squeeze the things I want to accomplish in the short duration of my vacation. No matter how I see it, two months cannot compensate for a year long absence. All the special occasions I missed can never be taken back and celebrated all at one time, it just won’t feel right. Time waits for no one, thus the best option for me, would be to wisely make the most of the allotted time I have and be grateful I’ve been given such a splendid opportunity.

Sensing that my ruminations are frequently derailing my wishful thoughts, I pick up from where I left off and picture myself being soaked in sand-free rain. I can almost smell the rain and feel the raindrops on my face, while I hear my angels cheering and giggling.

My boss drops in, daydreaming time is over.

I continue humming the tune in my head and wonder if there will be ribbons when I arrive home.**

** to the wiseguys: not to be taken literally..too sappy..hehehe

OFW Chronicles

Wake up, Eat, Work for 10 hours, Eat, Watch TV or DVD, Tinker with the laptop, Sleep.  Repeat 6 days a week. On the night of the sixth day, either do the laundry and some menial chores or go out to drink with some friends if there’s booze available or engage in warfare and conquer evil forces through network games with some buddies. On the seventh day, sleep, sleep, sleep and eat, that is if it’s declared as a non-working Friday, otherwise resume regular daily routine. Come salary time send money home, shop for supplies, and eat at a fancy place then go back to regular programming. Repeat for three hundred sixty five days or until parole (read: scheduled vacation leave). This has been my daily / monthly pattern for the past year. Gratefully, I have survived and adapted to this new lifestyle which is so unlike the life I used to live, barely earning enough but happy with the company of loved ones.

 

Though it has been a painfully boring routine at times, it is undeniable that it has been financially rewarding. However, it sometimes feels that the sacrifice isn’t worth it, especially when the longing for the company of your nearest and dearest sets in. For a person who believes that the best things in life can not be compensated by money, it is an ironic dilemma, to be earning well but yearning for the company of the people he treasures most,  all the time. The ends they say will justify the means, but does it really?

 

During drinking sessions with friends, we occasionally talk about the drone-like existence we endure just to earn well, observations about the Philippines; the advantages of our culture and our flaws as a people which impede our nations’ progress aside from the regular topics of the best buy laptops, the next cool gadget, vacation plans, the necessitated practice of celibacy, sex, cup sizes, fantasies, fetishes, women, sports and what to do next weekend to avoid boredom. On several semi-somber/sober occasions we discussed if working back home would still be an option, what would be the ultimate result and other by-products of working away from the family and how long will we be in servitude of foreign masters toiling far away from the homeland?

 

We have collectively agreed that we would probably survive if we chose to seek employment back home, then again that would mean going back to the circus, doing the financial juggling act and being the underpaid multi-tasking workhorse. If we can get employed as an executive in a prestigious multi-national company, our fortunes might change. However I think it would be easier to prove that unicorns and vampires exist, rather than be fortunate enough to be hired by a blue-chip company with the vast competition that abound. With these thoughts in mind, we come to the conclusion that working in the Philippines under the current economic situation would be the final option.

On the other hand this would mean many more years of staying employed overseas, an option I personally find unpleasant and unacceptable. I abhor the thought of missing more milestones in my children’s life. It has always been my dream to be an active participant in their lives, as they find their way through the path of their life.  To be able to share with them their joys and pains, to impart some of the wonderful and harsh lessons I’ve learned, to be their buddy and adviser, to see my daughter transform into a woman and my sons become men. These are the moments in a person’s life that cannot be compensated by any amount of money.

 

A veteran OFW tells me, that missing out on a child’s transformation is part and parcel of a migrant worker’s way of life, lest he can bring his family to the host country where he works. Unfortunately, this is an option limited only to a handful of OFW’s, for not all companies /  employers support such endeavors.

 

Another buddy narrates the tale of a migrant worker who has spent most of his life employed overseas to support his family and see his children through school. He comes home only once a year, as an OFW usually does. Finally, retiring from his job after the youngest child has completed his studies. He hopes to finally spend some quality time with his family, following years of being far away. As luck would have it the tables are turned, it is his turn to be to be left behind. This time by his children, some who already have families of their own and flew the coop while the others have sought employment abroad to seek their own fortune.

 

As I listen to his heartrending story, I remember a friend who had an OFW father. His dad provided for them well, gave them the best gifts and sent them to first-rate schools when he was younger. To make the story short after his studies his dad came home and that was the time their disagreements began. The praises he previously showered upon his father for sending him the best gifts had been replaced by resentment and complaints. They didn’t notice it, but it was quite obvious, they were strangers. In my friends’ eyes, his father has been a good provider / giver of gifts but not a really dad and probably in his father’s eyes, he was just another mouth to feed and sent to school, a responsibility to be honored and not really a son.

 

Hearing such tragic tales makes me wonder if this is the end that will justify the means. In an ironic sense, I guess it does, but ultimately it won’t be worth the sacrifice. One has carried out his duty as a good provider but at the cost of being an absentee parent resulting in a shallow relationship. It is too steep a price to pay just to fulfill an obligation. Time lost can never be regained, other means can be found to meet a need. As I see it at the end of our borrowed time, our family won’t be reminiscing how much we had given them in our absence but how loved we made them feel while we were in their presence.

 

I utter a prayer and hope my fate will be different from the stories I heard. But until the day I change my destiny, stuck to the usual routine I shall be.

 

Wake up. Eat. Work for 10 hours. Sleep……..

* OFW=Overseas Filipino Worker

Rising from the Ashes

Not so long ago I was buried in the pits, consumed by substance abuse, blinded by pride, fueled by anger and thoughts of retribution. I heeded no one’s advice and listened only to those I felt had the moral ascendancy to address me. I caused an insurmountable amount of pain to the persons I held most dear but at that time, I didn’t care. I used to think I had everything under control, I calculated the risks and weighed the factors of my deeds, I was confident I would be able to bear whatever the consequences of my actions would be. I couldn’t have been more mistaken in my entire life.

I had to lose the company of the people I treasure most, just to realize how much of a fool I had been. I had let the rage inside me take control of my senses, unknowingly priming myself for a massive meltdown. It is truly ironic that regret comes only after the deed has been done. I realized I miscalculated and used the wrong formulas in my risk assessment, or in more simple terms, I fucked up big-time! For some time, I wallowed in sorrow and depression, spending many a night shedding tears of regret and shame, calling for heavenly guidance and forgiveness. Even in the company of friends, I felt alone. In solitude, I contemplated on my foolishness and wish I could take it all back. I paid a steep price just to prove my point and it wasn’t worth it

Fortunately, through the support of my family, assistance from some friends and divine intervention, I have emerged from the most tumultuous time of my life wounded but hopeful and optimistic. I am still alive and have every chance to make things right. I’ve been blessed with another opportunity to straighten my life. I now have a stable well-paying job and a new circle of friends, albeit I am quite far away from home. Still, I can not help but be grateful for this wonderful opportunity, for not everyone is given the same chance. Thus it delights me so, to see that a handful of my former comrades are on the same track as I, making amends and starting afresh.

As I turn over a new leaf, I try hard not to let the stigma of my past weigh me down nor forget all the lessons I’ve learned. The pain I bear each day I’m away from the ones I love, serve as a constant reminder of the things I had to learn the hard way. I had taken the crooked path to learn my most important lessons and though the journey was tough and the fare too costly, the lessons have opened my heart and mind to things other people are barely aware of or usually just take for granted.

I still have a long way to go setting things straight with the persons I offended and maligned, hopefully I can still piece together everything I’ve broken. I am optimistic for I’m quite sure that as long as I stay focused and keep distractions at bay (and with divine guidance /assistance), achieving my goals won’t be far away. ☺☺☺

Realizations of a Rookie (OFW)

Dateline: September 5, 2006.

Three hundred sixty five days have passed since I started working abroad, but I can still recall vividly the day I first set foot in Qatar, as if it just happened yesterday. The grueling eight hour flight, the scorching heat and the olfactory attack from west Asian passengers marked my initiation to the world of the OFW. I never knew what to expect, it was my first time after all. Though I had long planned on working abroad, I never really envisioned how it would be since I always thought working in the Middle East would be my last resort. Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined that I’d one day end up here in Qatar.

I’ve fantasized of touring the United States and Europe but not in any place in the Middle East, least of all would I have thought of being employed here. My dad single-handedly supported our family without the need of working overseas, neither have I heard him entertain the idea of earning money abroad. He provided for our family well, sending us to the best schools and giving in to most of our whims and caprices. I found no reason why one has to be employed elsewhere just to earn well, that is, until I had a family of my own I needed to support.

Responsibility is an eye opener to reality, comparable to being awakened from a wonderful dream, you wish you can go back to sleep and continue your dream but you know that would be next to impossible. You are left with no choice but to get up from bed and face the real world. My awakening has lead me here in Qatar, cashing in on my last resort. Three growing children entail growing needs, needs which I barely met when I was still working back home. I can’t help but be in awe of my father’s accomplishments, making a name for himself and providing well for us, pulling it off without leaving our homeland.

As I think of ways how to thank my dad, I reflect on how he succeeded in his career and why can I not pursue the same path back home. An officemate provides a simple but accurate reply; the days of yore are different from our present situation. Back in their day, the peso was stronger, the economy and political state of affairs a tad more stable than it currently is, career-wise, competition was manageable and opportunities for development abound. Nowadays the peso is as unstable as the politicians wrestling for the seat of power, competition is cutthroat and developments are limited by the fluctuating economy. It’s disheartening to admit that his statement does hold true somehow, at least for most of us in the construction industry.

In one forum I actively participate in, a question was posted asking if OFW’s are deserters or heroes, deserters for serving other countries instead of their own or heroes for bringing in the much needed dollars that help sustain our economy. It drew diverse responses; some had stated OFW’s were deserters, unwilling to battle it through our economic woes and causing brain drain in effect; others reasoned OFW’s were heroes, not just for supplying dollars that help stabilize the economy but also for showing the world how smart, diligent and unselfish the Filipino people are.

After some introspection, I see myself as neither, I am but a man with a mission. I have a duty to provide well for my growing children, to be able to afford them even a fraction of what my father had bestowed me and my siblings. If in the pursuit of this course of action I become a deserter or a hero, then so be it. If I can earn at least half the amount of what I’m earning here back home, I would never choose to leave. Who in his right mind would desire to work in an unfamiliar environment, where your race is a minority, where customs and practices are entirely different than yours, where you are a million miles apart from the ones that you love? I wouldn’t but I have to.

Some people downplay how much of a sacrifice it is to work abroad. They are unaware of how difficult it is to go home after work daily, only to find your cold uncaring bed waiting for you in your room. No warm smiles, no eager hugs nor sweet laughter and I love you’s that relieve you from the stress of work. Your mind often wanders to where your heart longs to be, Home. In my point of view, homesickness is part of the compensation package we receive. However, I think no amount of money can compensate for this heavy feeling I bear as I trudge to the office day after day and force myself to work.

Homesickness is an OFW’s worst enemy. Idle time is major contributor to this feeling, the time usually allotted to family or friendly interactions every day is inexistent, creating a void that needs to be filled. Some say that the feeling of homesickness is temporary, once you get adjusted to your surroundings and make new friends, you would hardly notice it and soon it would disappear altogether. I believe this is but a sugar coated excuse or a lame form of denial. Homesickness never leaves any person who is away from home, at least not until he gets home, since going home would be the only cure for this malady. I have met some veteran OFW’s who have worked in the Middle East for the longest time, but still suffer from this inescapable disorder. Homesickness drives a handful of OFW’s to seek comfort in the arms of persons other than their legal partner, to compensate for the lack of physical and emotional reinforcement that they would otherwise receive had they stayed and labored at home. Due to their misery, they forget where their priorities lie and the reason why they came to work here in the first place. It takes a person with a strong will to survive the onslaught of temptation and depression; one needs to keep his eyes fixed on his goals, to avoid being derailed. This is the plight of a typical OFW, a predicament I now share, albeit reluctantly.

There have been times I’ve felt like a prisoner, a hostage of duty, incarcerated in a cage without bars, tortured by time and sentenced to suffer years of longing and deprivation, all for the sake of earning well. It is depressing to admit that currently I have no other choice but to remain imprisoned in this situation. I am bound by responsibility to pay forward to my children what my father afforded us, this by no means is an easy task, working here is my only option (for now).

I pause and evaluate if there are better alternatives i can explore back home. Mafi. None. Nada. Not until our economy bounces back and the construction industry rebuilds a stable foundation. Unfortunately for me and a million other OFW’s, that might take a life time. Thus until that time comes, I remain a captive of obligation, responding to the call of duty. A deserter, abandoning the routine of juggling finances monthly and escaping the clutches of financial instability. A hero, investing time, blood and tears to provide the best for his family.

Introspection

What career would you have chosen, what kind of family would you have liked, who is the man / woman you would have married, what kind of life would you have liked to live? We encounter these questions at least once in our life. Often we answer these queries with what we think would have been the best career that would’ve suited us, the finest man / woman we believe could’ve been the best partner for us, the most comfortable kind of life we would’ve wanted and would benefit those that rely on us.

The what if’s or could have been’s, we contemplate on these topics one time or another in our life. These inquiries however, trigger deeper and more introspective questions, once we take a closer look at our answers. Why didn’t we choose the most fitting career, the right person or the appropriate kind of life in the first place? When, how and why did we sell out on our ideals? If we respond with a situation or a person that is totally unlike the current circumstances we are in, does it mean we are discontent and settled for something less?

We adapt to our real life situations as we see fit and somewhere along the line, we compromise our ideals in favor of a more realistic approach to our life’s needs. For instance, most of us guys in our youth would have wanted to be a pilot, but as we grow older we either are not physically gifted to fit a pilot’s bill (height & vision wise) or we don’t have the financial means to pursue a pilot’s course. This also holds true for those of us who would’ve wanted to be a doctor or an actor but have neither the mental aptitude nor the talent to pursue this career path. Same thing with the girl next door type we would have loved to marry, either she doesn’t have the personality we are compatible with or maybe we are too intimidated to even make the first move. It goes the same for the hunk-macho dude who turns out to be a playboy or gay. Won’t we all like to live a life of a royalty? The only requirement for this is that you have to be closely related to any living king or queen. As I see it, we didn’t really abandon our ideals or settled for something less, we just grew up and embraced reality.

We live with what we have and should make the most out of it. Hanging on to lost dreams would just make us bitter and resentful. We may not have the career we would’ve liked or be married to the ideal person or live the life we fantasized about but we can still improve our performance in our chosen field, enhance our relationships and enrich our lives. It’s just matter of perspective, if we focus on what can still be done instead of what should have been, our view on the life we have, would be much better. After all,We can not be thankful for that which we do not acknowledge.

I A P F (rantings of the restless)

In a Perfect world, there would be no poverty or war.

In a Perfect world, there would be no hungry or abused children.

In a Perfect world, countries would allocate more budget for poverty alleviation and education rather than weapons of mass destruction.

In a Perfect world, politicians would be sincere and keep all their campaign promises.

In a Perfect world, people would respect each other’s views and differences would be resolved without the use of violence.

In a Perfect world, friends would be loyal / honest and won’t be ungrateful backstabbing traitors.

In a Perfect world, children would respect their parents and parents won’t neglect their children.

In a Perfect world, families would stay together, men won’t philander and women wouldn’t nag.

In a Perfect world, all your efforts would be recognized and your misdeeds forgiven and forgotten.

In a Perfect world, people would follow the golden rule instead of being apathetic.

Unfortunately, the perfect world exists only in our fantasies and imagination. We live in an imperfect world, a world where some of life’s most important lessons are learned the hard way. A place where we have to make every effort to keep our commitments, stand up for our principles and work hard to keep the ones we hold dearest. A world where we are given the freedom to choose, either to strive to correct this place’s imperfections or to just wallow in the harshness of it’s reality.

Each of us has the responsibility of making the world a better place in our own simple way. The question is, will we answer the call?

Gardening 101

 

Why do people always find something to complain about? I oftentimes hear people rant and rave about their tiring / taxing job, their insufficient salary, their philandering husband, their over-protective parents, their stubborn child, their nagging wife, their corrupt politicians, their hypocritical church leaders or just about anything else that displeases them one way or another. It makes me wonder why these people find it difficult to grateful for the things they have. A secure job, a steady income, a relationship with someone who cares, a concerned family member, the gift of parenthood, a life full of adventures & trials; these things need not be taken for granted but be appreciated.

In most cases, people often neglect the fact they have contributed something to arrive at such a predicament and focus only on the object of their complaints. They forget that everything is cause and effect. Thus they tend to look at the other side of the fence, where the grass always seems to be greener.

It is so ironic that those who have more, desire more and those who have less, are more grateful for the small blessings that come their way and treat them as little miracles. It is an incontrovertible truth, somebody else will always have something better than we do. There will always be somebody smarter, wealthier or more attractive than we are and there will always be something we would like to covet as long as we are discontent. The sooner we accept this fact, the better will our viewpoint on our life will be. People are inclined to compare themselves to those who are better off than them. If they just observe those who have even less, their whole perspective of life would change. The jobless, the poverty-stricken, the homeless, the orphan, the broken family, the childless couple, the unbeliever, the disabled, the terminally ill would surely want to have what some people fail to value.

We have been given a great gift we often overlook, the gift of choice. The ability to choose, to either look at the brighter side of life or to focus only on the negative aspects that surround it. We have the power to change our life and our destiny. Instead of just grumbling and criticizing that which displease us, we could take action to alleviate the circumstances surrounding our life. Bearing in mind, we are not given anything that we cannot overcome and that everything happens for a reason.

There is no need to look at the other side of the fence to look for greener grass, we only need to tend our own backyard to make the grass in our side of the fence greener.

 

 

Morbid Thoughts

Recently, I learned that a close friend of mine passed away. He was the victim of an assassin, felled by gunshot right in front of his son. I was aghast upon learning the news, I never expected such a tragic end would befall upon my friend. Though we had shared same adventures and revolved in the same shady circles, last I heard he had also turned a new leaf.

Even though I didn’t shed a tear, I felt a sudden feeling of sadness creep inside me. Flashbacks of our misadventures flooded my mind, as I tried to recall the last time we spoke and spent time together. It was quite disheartening to realize we won’t be sharing any more in the near future. The guy had been there for me in one of the craziest and tumultuous episodes of my life. I was in need of a friend and he heeded the call.

The feeling of losing somebody dear, to death, is quite a new experience for me. Though quite a number of friends and relatives have passed away, I didn’t have a real strong bond with them, thus the loss was not as depressing. The loss of my close buddy was different though. I still feel sad when I think about him, gone forever, lost to the eternal beyond. I could only hope and pray that he is well wherever he is and that his child would overcome the trauma of his death.

As I ponder about these things, questions about my own mortality well up in my head and I try to reflect on the things I did in my life. I’ve realized that as I grow older, the inevitability of facing death draws nearer to me and my loved ones. Gone are the foolish notions of invulnerability and eternal youth replaced by thoughts of how to implement a healthy lifestyle and the optimal use of borrowed time. Worries of how the end will come and what the afterlife has in store barrage my thoughts. Shivers run down my spine as I contemplate on these morbid thoughts. I silently utter a prayer hoping that my end would be quick and painless.

 It suddenly dawns on me, worrying about the unknown will lead me nowhere, Life is too short to worry too much about losing it. What we have to do is make the most of the time we have. To appreciate first of all, that we are still given the precious gift of time. We still have the chance to make right some mistakes of the past, to renew lost friendships, to build up broken relationships. For me, it’s not how much you have earned or how far you have climbed the ladder of success that matters most, but the quality of the relationships you made and have. Death is a grim reminder we are on a one way journey through life, we should often stop, smell the roses and enjoy the views.

Ultimately, death will come to collect us all but it won’t matter how we die, what matters is how we lived.